Only me... just me

I've had a few people tell me that I should try posting a blog expressing everything that my wife, Candice, and I have been going through along with everything else that has been going through my head.

To be honest, I have no idea where to even start, and just now relearning after too many years how to even open myself up to people again, including to even my wonderful wife, Candice. For far too long, I have bottled and kept my feelings sealed shut, afraid of how people would react to them, or maybe because it was easier that way. I don't know, but what I do know is that I can't do this any longer. Pretending everything's ok and ignoring those who are so close and dear to me is only tearing me and them apart. And once again, it's these harsh lessons in life make the biggest impact, and can drastically shake and change your life forever. And it's taken hard lessons such as these to wake me up, and to make me realize how important my family and friends are to me, and to realize how my priorities have been wrapped around my own selfish, self-centered desires... how I've been so uncaring, incompassionate, unloving. I can only look back at who I was, this person who I no longer want to associate with, as if they are a stranger to me now. It almost seems that this person wasn't me, as if I was someone else, but unfortunately, it was me, maybe not the real me, I suppose. Definitely not who or what I wanted to be. And for so long, I wanted to break out of this shell, but didn't know how, or afraid that I would have to confront my own personal demons, knowing that I would have to confront everything and everyone head-on, face-to-face, no more lies, and no more pretending.

In many ways, it's been the best thing that could've happened to Candice and me, for her to take off for a couple of days or so, because at first, I felt that this was for her and only her. It wasn't until she had been gone, I realized and learned a lot about myself during those couple of days. I had to face those demons, how badly I had been neglecting both her and my kids, and realize that Candice and my children are the most imporant people in my life. I once didn't care if she left me or not, but now, I know I love her so much, I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. I was also so selfish in that I put my own happiness ahead of hers, but now I only want her to be happy, whether it's with me or not. It would crush me if she ever decided that she would be happier without me, but I would have to learn to accept that fact and try to go on without her, but I'm so glad it's not like that. Her love has amazed me more now than I ever knew. I don't know anyone who could put-up with all of the crap that she's been dealt for so long, and still want to try to work things out. I know that no one could ever love me as much as she does, and I'm realizing that I couldn't ever love anyone else the way I love her. She's everything to me. I only regret that I didn't see all this before.

And now that we're really trying very hard to work things out, once again, my selfish nature still persues. My wife has a couple of very dear friends of hers that are having terrible things happen to them, events that I've been fortunate enough to have never endured. And during their hardships, I'm stuggling to share my wife with them, because I want her all to myself, but I know that I can't be that selfish with her. God knows I had some very good friends that listened and try to help me any way they knew possible while Candice is gone. I just want to ask anyone reading this to please keep me, Candice, and her friends in their thoughts as we all are struggling like none of us has ever had to struggle before.

Well, there you have it... just me, and only me.